If you aimed for a long-shot but hit dead on, could it be considered luck or skill? What if that long shot wasn't actually a random shot at the darkness in hopes that it would hit something? What if you were aware of other factors at play, like wind direction and velocity, forehand knowledge of you're distance from the target, unintentional clues from other people as to what made it difficult, awareness of the properties of the target even if you couldn't see the target? what if you relied on other cues except for visual recognition of the target? is it still luck? Where does it end, subtle manipulations and sincerity? ah life... who needs sitcoms when reality is more over-rated.

past the point of caring about meaning, lies the area where we can find the true point of it all.  We've all been there, at least at one point in our lives. It's there where we dangle our feet over the edge of sanity, dipping our toes on the abyss of insane bliss, wondering what it would be like if we just took that one god damned plunge while trying to find reasons why we shouldn't.

Sometimes, when pain occupies the mind too much, it comes to a point when pain is the only fuel the body can use. And then whatever wonder we may have seen in that pure agonizingly beautiful area becomes lost. Fear not though. It's only a matter of time before we find ourselves there again.

The motivation itself, of the fowl for taking such an endeavor lies not within the other sidewalk. In fact, what lies on that end is nothing but another pedestrian lane, quite identical to the one our flightless avian came from.

Upon reaching the other side, therein lies a choice: either left or right. For forward is no longer an option - Nothing but dead ends -  walls to crash into or mirrors reflecting the other side from which it came from. To go back would defeat the purpose of going there in the first place. Neither of which propose a healthy consequence. No. Left or Right it is!

But the chicken does not see the end of each path. Both choices are bound to come to a turn - a blind spot for the chicken's relative short point of view. Worse, it knows that whichever way it goes, it would eventually just reach another crossing. And that, scares it shitless.

And so, the chicken prolongs its journey. It takes takes the time to admire the gray asphalt, the tiled walkways. the warm houses and towering building which it would probably never set foot in, the white parallel lines for pedestrian crossing, the cars zooming to and fro with and without notice, and the other pedestrians who share different mindsets:

the nonchalant felines who whistle their way through, secure in the knowledge that whatever comes their way, they would always land on their feet.

the crass and ravenous dogs, too stupid to pay attention to their surroundings.

The scared little rodents, who shiver in fear because their size makes them invisible to the oncoming traffic. their minds are preoccupied with thoughts of being road-kill, collateral damage from the speeding vehicles and,

the stampeding far-sighted porcine (little pinoy culture there. sorry, couldn't help it).

Nope. For the chicken, crossing the road is a reason in itself. It can even appreciate the thrill of dodging cars and trucks. It's in no hurry. Eventually, it will get to the other side.

Hide and seek - Imogen heap

di ko kasi trip maglagay ng lyrics na.

leaves a bad taste in my mouth, it does.

so i just posted the song.

ah, here's another fine example of a cosmic irony. The all white uniform of psychology (sans shoes) makes it easy for other people to see what type of underwear we're wearing, specially in the case of girls. some take advantage of this. The boys of course can drool over them if they so choose and the girls can flaunt it as they tease... err,  please.

One particular friend of mine (whose name i will not mention), is one of the girls mentioned above. like many of today's college women, she prefers black or neon colored bras and panties so as they're more visible when worn under a white uniform. More than once have i told her about her state of dress and she proudly claims that she wore them for people to see. I can understand since she does have a lovely figure. Anyway, I have told this girl flat out that i can clearly see the outline of her panties and i can make out the design as clear as day and all she did was feel proud. It came to a point where i told her "if I gave you a pair that says 'hanggang tingin ka lang', will you wear them?"

And so I've developed a habit of just looking her in the eye. the last time we talked about her state of dress, she so proudly claimed that "mawiwindang ako sa suot nya ngayon". Now before i go further, let me state that i do lust after some women. I won't be a hypocrite and say i have never at one point, glanced at a beautiful woman and thought of her as a "fine piece of ass" and imagined ravaging her with a passion usually reserved for animals in heat (consensually, of course). I do however, limit such fantasies when it comes to my friends. I can tell them flat out that their smokin' hot but whenever my thoughts start straying from situations that don't involve clothes, it makes me feel uncomfortable. in short, i don't check out friends (except for neri which i do so openly). and so, back to my joke... err story, i politely declined her offer to look at her knickers but since she was so proud of them, she kept insisting i do. She was very vocal about it too... in public no less. I escaped the situation by telling her, "I respectfully decline but thank you. It's not everyday a girl demands i ogle her behind".

Xun zi would have us think that man is inherently evil. He is selfish and seeks only to gratify his desires as children often are. You have to teach him how to be good. Otherwise, he'd tear your throat out with his teeth while laughing.

Jean Jacques Rousseau would argue that man is born good, a noble savage trapped in society and this makes him restless. His inability to unleash his desires causes him discomfort. It makes him feel bad and this carries over to his consciousness. As he grows he is behaved but bitter, courteous but cruel.

I'd say "fuck". Man is born neither good nor evil. He is born blank, capable of neither good nor evil. Man just IS. Like an animal, who needs no excuse to do what it does, he is pure. He feeds, he mates, he kills and he cares little about the consequences. He won't lose sleep over any of it.

As we grow into society, we are taught to be civilized: what we should do, and what we shouldn't - good or bad. Hence, we soak in 'good' just as much as we are tainted by evil because to accept one, is to acknowledge the other. These two concepts are the filth that dirty our once pure souls.

Strictly black and white or shades of gray? I'd say blissful transparency is better.

i hate being sick. Then again, so does everybody but there is a certain appeal to it. Something cosmically attractive about being diseased.

Before, when something like this happened, I couldn't help but wonder if this is the beginning of my end. Forgive the melodrama but with my kind of habits, it would be foolish to discount the possibility of tuberculosis. Then i heard that TB is now curable so, there goes that theory...

I like to think that being sick is a good reminder of our mortality. The best reminder is, of course, DEATH or being close enough to it but let's not go there yet lest you think me a hypochondriac.

The feeling of weakness, pains, and involuntary coughing, these are good feelings. Getting feverish, dry heaves and coughs that burn your throat everytime they escape you - it's like rotting while you're still alive, fucking glorious.

It reminds us that we exist inside this flimsy carbon-based, biological shell. Out thoughts, feelings and emotions, no matter how grand, all amount to nil in the face of natural cellular degradation.

Since I'm a godless bastard with no morals. ang motivation ko lang para sumagot ay dahil gusto ko lang kontrahin yung prof.

It seems i've caught something. With all the hype about swine flu, I can't help but feel paranoid. Who knows, maybe I'll be the first carrier of the zombie plague. bwahahahahaha!!! In preparation for this, I will now practice my jamaican accent.

The male Psych students of FEU get fewer come the 4th year. Everyday, I'm surrounded by women. I'm in a class filled with women. I eat lunch with women. I'm the single male in a research group with 3 women. Today, I was the single man in an elevator FILLED with women. Pretty, giggling women. Suffocating me with their sweet scent, the sound of their voices, their high pitched laughter, their smiles, bringing up memories that were better off unbidden for now, however pleasant they may be.

In the end, it all comes down to memories. Some are great, some are downright fucking awful but all equally valuable. Some memories are stored better than the rest. Just one favorite little thing from each of them. Stuff that shouldn't really mean anything but they still do... a lot.

In chronological order:

kindergarten: everybody hates me. She defends me. She was always blowing snot on a hanky. Real cute. shallow, i know, but what the fuck were you expecting?? it was kindergarten!

Third year high school: she sits beside me every chance she gets. first it was just because she was myopic, then it was because she just wants to be with me. first she sang for me, then she sang with me. Don't ask what kind of songs because I will never tell!!!

Summer Vacation: She, her sister and her best friend. Talk about an ego boost but I only fancied her. We watched sunsets together. If only I had a violin then that would have overflowed the cheese factor.

AMA Makati: Conversations in the train. I guess I never really appreciated it until it was over. Fuck my immaturity.

FEU: Somebody asked her why she had white strands of hair. That pissed her off. She shouts "natalsikan ng tamod". Perfect! Later on I told her, "granted, you don't fly, have super-strength, a magic lasso of truth nor wear a star spangled bikini but you're as close to my dream girl as possible." she smiles at this.

FEU: She says she thinks I'm awesome even if I don't. I thought she'd be the fucking bomb after a few years! The above mentioned years have passed. Too bad I didn't tell her what I thought of her back then.

Next door: She was about to end it. She tells me it never really meant anything (and acts like it too). I told her that I ain't letting her go because I know that even if she can't fully express it, (insert corny line) i know that deep down, she already loves me. she just hasn't realized it yet. That was one of the dumbest things I've ever said. What's funny, is that up to now, i still can't believe that IT ACTUALLY WORKED!!! (Subterfuge + manipulation + wits + composure roll: success!)

YM: She said she was in a cemetery. She said she suddenly thought of me. Why she would think of me whilst in a cemetery, i haven't got a clue. She spotted the adjoined tombs of "Mr. and Mrs. Pando." Kinda creepy but i thought it was still a good sign because that Mr. Pando actually ended up with somebody. Little did she know, her little hugs went a long way.

It's the little damn things that make it all worth while. Little insignificant but very amusing footnotes in history that get remembered more often than epic battles. bits of caramel treats whose diabetic-shock inducing sweetness can only be truly appreciated after you realize that you will probably never taste them again. (kahit alam kong sa lerma lang nya binili yun)

I appreciate these past 3 years of working with everlo and pam. Most epic was back in ad stat when we had james with us (talk about a power line-up). Rare were the times when I had to be the one to initiate anything or put myself forward. Most of the time, I was just following up somebody's lead. The lack of responsibility made me feel better.

Well, I don't think this approach will work with my new team.

I'll try not to drag this group down with me. I just have to find a way for us to utilize all our strengths and cover for each others' weaknesses (including mine). I've always thought that teamwork wasn't just about combining efforts to maximize results. It's also about cleanning up after each other's mess.

at uunahan ko na babanat ng there is no "I" in "TEAM". Only "M" and "E" for "ME"

I'd like to believe. Really, I do. I say this not in jest nor am i mocking the faith. I would be happier if i had something incomprehensibly great that I could surrender to but I don't. I can't.

I'd like to believe that there exists an almighty God and that he is good and loving. I'd like to believe he loves us.

I'd like to believe that we are all his children and that he's there for us when we need him.

I'd like to believe that there's a better place waiting for us after we die.

I'd like to believe that for everything that goes wrong, it's because HE has a plan and when stakes are high and the chips are down, all i have to do is have faith and everything would be alright.

I'd like to have someone to pray to for deliverance and guidance, someone i could draw infinite strength and love from.

I'd like to know that no matter where I go, i am never truly alone because he is always with me and that would have made everything better.

I'd like to believe that everything has a purpose but I can't. How can I start believing in something I don't?

I'd like to accept your offer to help save my soul but I can't because i don't really believe you. and for that, I am truly sorry.

i was researching something in the net when lo and behold, lumabas sa search ang isang website na may pharse na "si pando" na nakapaloob sa isang tagalog na sentence na nakapaloob din sa isang tagalog na paragrapah. Anyway, I got curious. I know I'm not the only who has that nickname but i was just plain bored and i wanted to see just how many articles i could find if i googled "si pando". medyo madami lumabas pero mostly in spanish. yung mga blogs naman about or mentioning people named pando are... interesting. like "nasaksak si pando" or "iboto na si pando" and such. Alam ko, ako unang pando sa friendster because i used their search engine during the first week after i made an account there at ako lang lumalabas. anyway, medyo unnerving lang yung magbasa ng article about somebody named pando getting stabbed.

Damnit! nasira group na inarrange ko for research. TANGINA!!! ok na sana. not even close to being the perfect team pero i personally selected those people because I know i can work with them.

And i must find a way to escape ROCKY ROAD!!!

shem, i hate you kasi di kayo nabuwag. SO not fair.